How wonderful and absolutely delightful would parenting be if our kids would immediately listen to all that we are saying? Better off, they would remember everything we said once and act accordingly. Not get bored during our lectures or behave like they have never heard of the fact that we brush teeth every evening.
Well actually I think it would be a really bad sign. This happens to some degree for a lot of children, and it is called the “good” child syndrome – because kids (especially girls) learn that in order to be loved they need to do what they are told, even if it is against their will, their beliefs or even values.
But getting back to our topic, it would still be nice if our words would reach our kids’ ears.
What happens is that children will not listen to us unless they feel listened to, they feel like their truth has been acknowledged.
We think we know what the problem is and we start preaching: we explain what happened and why, what they should feel and do about it. We also make it clear that we know what they want, what they actually need, what they should get and when. And then we get angry when they tune out or refuse to cooperate.
But what if we try some other strategies instead? After all, nothing will change if we change nothing.
- FILL THEIR CUP
Running on empty makes it really hard for your child to want to do anything at all, let alone to listen to you. Make sure your children get some special time with you every day, even if it is just 10 min. Try to make it 1:1 and do something they are interested in, so they feel important and truly loved.
On top of this, before asking them to hurry up for whatever reason, give them a big hug and tell them how lucky you are to have them in your life. This will make it a lot more likely for them to want to listen to what you are saying, as it will come from a place of love.
- BE A TEAM
We think it is obvious, but have you actually ever said it? Letting kids know that your family is a strong team where absolutely everyone is making a difference is a very healthy phrase to reinforce every now and then. Remind them with every occasion that without their contribution the family not going to function well and you will not make it in time for school, not have as much play time as planned and so on. When they are in charge of the situation, they are much more likely to cooperate and do stuff even without you asking.
Eg: Kids, it is getting really late and I am afraid I may not have time to read you a story before bed… How can we rush things a bit to make sure we do the story, you know how much we all love it!
Wow, we need to get out the door in 30 min to make it in time for ballet… can you please help me out, I know how important it is for you to be in time! What do we still need to do before we leave?
- DON’T PUNISH NOR RESCUE THEM
We all know the scenario: the child makes a mistake, we give a lecture about how we told her this would happen, tell her we are not going to fix the situation now and it’s her problem. Than she starts crying and breaks our heart, we give in, fix it all while nagging nagging nagging.
Or you just scold her and tell her we are not going to help them out with this.
What does the child learn? All she has to do is ignore the lecture and mum or dad will take care of it. Or even worse, that she is a bad person and we will not accept this part of her, because our love is strictly conditioned by her behavior (“If I am bad, my mum does not love me anymore”).
But how about this scenario instead:
The mistake was made, we empathise with the child (“That must feel so bad that… , I’m so sorry) and when she is calmer we can focus on finding a solution together. This way we show our daughter that we will support and help them, but we will not do it for them.
The outcome will be a more resilient girl, who got a chance to train her disappointment muscles by seeing that she survived the problem and she got a chance to fix things. Furthermore, her parent accepted this imperfect version of herself that made the mistake and even helped her deal with the natural consequences of her mistake.
- ASK
Sounds pointless, after all we already know what is happening, right? But according to Dr. Jane Nelsen, author of Positive Discipline, one simple tactic is to let your child be heard by asking them what their point of view is and let them come with suggestions on how to solve the problem.
What were you trying to accomplish?
I wonder what may have caused this to happen… What do you think?
How does it make you feel?
Do you have any ideas how we could solve this problem?
And instead of bossing them around, we can ask them simple questions:
Put your shoes on => Do you think you are ready to get out of the house?
Get your homework/ books/ projects => What do you need to take to school today?
Go brush your teeth => What is important to do before bed that will keep your teeth healthy and strong?
- MAKE A PLAN
Let your children know in advance how you are going to react in the event they throw a tantrum, start fighting in the car, hit each other and so on. For example, you could brainstorm together on how would be the best way you could handle the situation when one of them gets really angry and feels like hitting everyone? Maybe she could show everyone how upset she is using her words or stomping her feet, or maybe you could remind her that she may want to go to her peaceful corner and look through her favourite book. So then next time she feels angry, she will know what to expect and how she could handle the situation.
Or let’s say the kids start fighting in the car. If you told them that the moment they do that you will pull over and read a book until they are both ready to go and then you asked them to repeat what you said, the moment you will actually do that without saying a word they will see that things get boring and will eventually learn to find new ways of dealing with the situation and overcoming the conflict.
The key to this technique is to follow things through and do what you said you will do, not threaten, give warnings and not really mean what you said.
Discipline means teaching our children self-control, which leads to confidence and self-esteem for our children. We want them to learn how to calm down and deal with difficult situations s well as how to get the freedom to do what they want later in life by being disciplined with themselves. By getting our children to do something because this is the right thing to do and not because they are afraid they will be punished, it is more likely that next time, when we will not be around, they will choose to do the same.
